Choose your decline
Tell us your current 5K time so we know how serious the intervention needs to be.
The anti-running programme
Finally, a training plan that gives up with you.
Daily emails for ex-runners ready to quit the trainers, lower their expectations and embrace a more sustainable pace: stationary.
☕ 🛋️ 🥐 Trusted by dozens of tired imaginary athletes.
☕
Today’s workoutAbsolutely nothing0:00 · 0 calories vaguely considered
A proven lack of method
From personal bests to personal rests.
A gentle 30-day descent from “maybe I should go for a run” to “I’ve already taken my shoes off.” No app. No account. No guilt-inducing rings to close.
Receive less motivation
One beautifully unhelpful email each day, tailored to your former athletic ambition.
Graduate horizontally
Complete the programme with fewer race entries and a healthier relationship with brunch.
A taste of giving up
Motivation, but backwards.
Your programme arrives as a short daily note from Coach Slouch, our deeply unqualified performance avoider.
Personalised untraining
How far have you got to fall?
Every starting level gets its own degree of intervention. Faster runners receive firmer instructions and more frequent reminders that carbon-plated shoes cannot love them back.
< 20 minElite EscapeeUrgent decompression required
20–25 minSerious InterventionStill owns too many gels
25–30 minGentle WithdrawalHighly recoverable
30–40 minAlmost ThereAlready understands walking breaks
40+ minNatural TalentBorn for the programme
Expected outcomes
Measurable regress.
Weekly target distance
Consecutive rest days
Reduction in entry fees
Potential brunch duration
Your sofa is waiting
Begin your descent.
One email a day for 30 days. No login, no app and no need to remember another password.
“I’ve never felt less prepared for a marathon.”— Dave, former runner
Questions, regrettably answered
FAQ
Is this serious?
Not even slightly. It is a novelty email programme for runners who enjoy the joke of doing less.
Will I become less fit?
We make no promises, but refusing every training suggestion should at least free up your Sunday mornings.
Do I need an account?
No. Confirm your email once, then use the one-click link in any message to unsubscribe.
Is it suitable for marathon runners?
Especially marathon runners. They have suffered enough.